Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Chekov the Potty Mouth

It was 11:45 pm, when the husband, now known as Chekov, put down the masking tape he had used to tape the hotel doors shut. He snuck out of his room wearing his favorite swim trunks. He passed by the pool and headed to the hot tub where he was greeted by Kirk, Spock, Bones, Scotty and Uhura. He put his walkie talkie on the table with the others, took off his shirt and slid into the water. As he laughed at Spock’s story about the problem child in room 345, the 40 something husband thought to himself, “This is the best band tour ever!”

When the teenager agreed to let the husband chaperone her band tour she had four rules. 1. The husband was not allowed to pack a swimsuit. 2. He was not allowed to ever take his shirt off. 3. He was not allowed to enter the pool area of the hotel for any reason. 4. The husband was not allowed to embarrass the teenager in any other way that wasn’t covered by the first three rules.

By the end of day one, the husband had already broken rules 1, 2 and 3.

Band tour had started that morning with the teenager excited about her first band tour. The husband admitted to being a bit nervous about his first band tour as a chaperone. When the charter bus pulled away from the school, the teenager was sitting with her friends, somewhere in the middle of the bus. A few rows in front of the teenager, the chaperone husband had forgotten about his nervousness when he was handed his very own walkie talkie and a list of Star Trek code names each chaperone was assigned. The bus had only travelled a few miles when another chaperone, “Scotty”, yelled out, “Klingon battle cruiser at 9 o’clock!” as the bus passed a police car. With a satisfied look of amusement on his face, the husband looked back a few rows at the teenager and he was pretty sure he saw her roll her eyeballs.

On day 2 of band tour, the husband called home. I chastised him for breaking rules 1-3. “Come on!” the husband whined. “The teenager wasn’t even there. She’s got nothing to worry about. I won’t embarrass her. By the way, these teenage boys CAN NOT keep their hands off of the girls! They are constantly touching them. I’m beginning to think that it’s all they ever think about!”

Later on that second day, the teenager was heard reprimanding some boys for swearing. The boys were used to it. The teenager had gained quite a reputation, apparently, for being the band “potty mouth police”. The teenager didn’t like bad language and wasn’t shy in telling her peers to clean up their mouths.

The husband was unaware of this fact.

It was near curfew on night 2 of band tour. The boys were expected to be in their rooms on the 3rd floor of the hotel. The girls were expected to be in their rooms on the 2nd floor. The chaperone husband was having trouble with Joe. Joe very much wanted to touch a girl. Joe would sneak down to the 2nd floor. The husband would send Joe back to the third floor. This cycle would repeat, numerous times. Finally, the husband could no longer maintain his proper chaperone composure.

“Joe! Get your a** back to your room right now. And I don’t want to see your a** down on this floor again!”

On day 3 of band tour, the charter bus, full of tired teenagers and chaperones, began to make the long trip home. As the teenager sat with her friends, somewhere in the middle of the bus, she was surrounded by kids who were reminiscing about the prior 2 days.

One boy piped up, “I think the funniest thing that happened on band tour this year was when the teenager’s DAD actually SWORE at Joe when he kept trying to sneak on to the girls’ floor. The potty mouth police’s own DAD swore. How funny is that?”

All the kids agreed. The husband’s swearing on band tour would be remembered for a very long time.

And so it was official. Rules 1, 2 and 3-broken. And now rule number 4-broken. The husband was 4 for 4.

The teenager hunched further down in her seat and glanced forward a few rows toward Chekov the husband. Somewhere near the front of the bus, Captain Kirk yelled out, “Klingon battle cruiser approaching!” Chekov grinned and thought to himself, “This was the best band tour ever!”

Check This Out!

Do I need to even mention that Iron Man 2 is now out on DVD? I thought not. Love that Tony Stark….

The novel Born Under a Million Shadows, by Andrea Busfield attempts to shed some positive light on Afghanistan. From the beauty of its land to the beauty of its people, Afghanistan comes to life differently than it does on the evening news. Despite a difficult history, the drug trade and the Taliban, the people of Afghanistan somehow manage to hold on to hope for the future. Although this was a slower, quieter novel, I did enjoy it and recommend it especially if you have an interest in that area of the world.


Holly said...

I cannot WAIT to be just like him. :) I met the new band director... I liked him a lot.

calimom said...

Good for the teenager. There's no excuse for bad language. Nice to see someone stand up for that.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like the teenager needs to lighten up a bit!

cavewoman48 said...

Oh my goodness! The husband got off easy! When my kids were teenagers I was barely allowed out in public. I can't believe she let him chaperone. And I agree with calimom. Nice to see a teenager with some standards.

rockrulerpop said...

I love Star Trek! I have a few good memories of the band tours of my youth. And I was always mad at my parents for embarrassing me when I was a teenager. They were awful. So I loved this blog.

128paradise said...

I've raised 4 teenagers and I don't think the teenager needs to lighten up at all. I'm very familiar with the unreasonable demands and expectations of teenagers. Not swearing and keepin your shirt on? Not unreasonable at all.

Good, funny story.

uncledorislee said...

D**m! That was f***ing funny! There's always some good s**t that goes down on band tour.

Brought back memories.