1. The kitchen section of the department store was full of men that mid-December afternoon. One father and his two teenage boys wandered aimlessly. The father scolded the boys for arguing and pushing, “I told you boys to stop that! Let’s hurry up and find something for you mother and get the heck out of here!” The two boys continued to jostle each other, yell at each other and tease each other with utensils. One boy had a whisk in his hand and kept following the other boy and poking him with it. After a few minutes, the second boy could take the abuse no longer. A few aisles over, I, and for that matter the entire kitchen section, heard him yell out, “G*d da**it! Quit sticking that whisk up my *ss or I’m gonna take you out with this rolling pin-right here, right now!”
When I went to pay, the two boys and their father were behind me in line. The father spoke to the boys. “Now when we get home I want you both to wrap this stuff for your mother. And I want you to wash that whisk before you wrap it….your mother doesn’t ever need to know where that whisk has been.”
The two boys shrugged their shoulders. One finally spoke, “Well….I guess it is Christmas.”
2. I don’t know how many people were standing in line at the 12 checkout stands, but it was a lot. I don’t know how fast those lines were moving, but it was somewhere in the neighborhood of pretty darn slow. I don’t know how many cheerful people were waiting in those lines with me, but it seemed like zero.
I wanted to make the neighbors some cookies and I needed some butter. I stood in line surrounded by the cranky, huffing people, holding my 3 boxes of butter.
One man a few people back yelled, “Hey buddy, can’t you count! You got 16 items buddy! That’s more than 15! 16….more than 15……”
The woman behind me muttered to her friend as they perused a tabloid, “Those crazy Kardashians. I’ll tell you what those girls need: Jesus. Those girls need a little Jesus in their lives.”
The woman behind her kept checking her watch and sighing loudly. “I hate this time of year. It just brings out the stupid in people. How hard can it be to make this line move a little faster?” She then gasped and turned to the Jesus woman. “Dangit! I forgot the Velveeta for my dip. Could you hold my spot while I run and get some?”
The Jesus woman turned white and stammered. “Um…..I don’t know….that’s probably not going to work, honey.”
The Velveeta woman turned red and seethed. “For God’s sake, you’ve got to be kidding me.” She stayed in line.
When it was my turn to check out I plopped my butter on the moving belt. The angry counting man was still angry. The Jesus woman was still a bit pale. The Velveeta woman was still cheeseless. Things were a bit tense in that checkout line.
The checker scanned my butter. I told her I needed butter for my neighbor’s cookies. We both looked up at the little screen to see the total.
She looked at me to see if I had noticed what was on the screen. I looked at her to see if she noticed what was on the screen. We both started laughing. The Jesus woman wondered what was so funny and leaned forward to see the screen. She started laughing. The counting man in line a few people back yelled out, “Hey, what’s going on up there?” The checker turned the screen for those in line to see. Then the Velveeta lady and the counting man were then laughing as well.
The screen read:
BUTT SPECIAL-1.99
BUTT SPECIAL-1.99
BUTT SPECIAL-1.99
As the checker handed me my receipt she said, “I sure hope your neighbors enjoy their “BUTT” cookies!” And all the relaxed, smiling people in line laughed at me and my butter as we left the store.
3. “Honey, quit beating that man with your naked baby!”
The 4 year old was standing in line at the UPS store with her dad holding a naked, plastic baby doll by the leg.
“But, why daddy? My baby is mad at that man. She wants him to move so we can be first in line. This line is too slow daddy.”
The elderly man who had been beaten by the baby turned around and kneeled down to speak to the little girl. “Your baby must be very cold.” he said. “Maybe you should wrap her up in your coat so that she stays warm. She seems like such a nice baby.”
The 4 year old turned to her daddy. “It’s ok daddy. My baby said that man can be first in line. She found out he was nice.”
The dad smiled at the girl and patted her on the shoulder. The girl snuggled the naked baby inside her coat. When she was done she looked at the line of people behind her and then up to her dad. “Hey,daddy. That man was nice to me and my baby. There’s a lot of people waiting daddy. Maybe, daddy…maybe ALL of these people are nice.”
Check This Out
Soft Ginger Cookies (Neighbor’s Cookies)
¾ cup butter or shortening
1 cup sugar
1 egg
¼ cup molasses
2 ¼ cups flour
1 tsp soda
2 tsp ginger
¾ tsp cinnamon
½ tsp cloves
A shake or two of nutmeg
Beat butter for 30 seconds. Gradually add in sugar. Add egg and molasses and beat well. In separate bowl, stir dry ingredients together. Add dry ingredients to butter mixture, mixing well. Shape into balls. (Roughly 1 ½ inches round). Roll in granulated sugar. Put on ungreased cookie sheet and bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes. Let stand 2 minutes.
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Press Here For Song
It wasn’t the toy drive the teenager’s teacher had a problem with. It was the door decorating contest that he found unnecessary. Somehow, the decorated classroom doors were supposed to encourage and remind the students to bring toys to the school for children in need. A pizza party would be awarded to the class whose door was judged most worthy by the PTA judges.
When the door judging day arrived, the teenager and her classmates pleaded one last time with the teacher. Could they please have some time to decorate their classroom door? The teacher stood firm in his belief that classroom time should be spent on learning. They accused him of being a Grinch and sucking the joy out of their holiday season.
One boy made a final attempt to change the teacher’s mind. “It doesn’t have to be difficult or time consuming," he said. “I mean, heck, we could even tape ME to the door and at least it would be better than having nothing on the door!”
The teacher grinned, just a little bit, and believing it to be impossible said, “Ha….now that I’d like to see!”
With lightening quick speed, before the teacher could stop them, the students rushed into action. Within minutes the boy was taped to the outside of the door. Someone produced a battery powered miniature plastic Christmas tree with lights and shoved it into the boy’s hand. The boy yelled out, “Grab the red tape! Grab the red tape!” Someone covered the boy’s nose with red tape. Next to the boy’s head a sign was taped on the door. The sign said, “press here for song” and had an arrow drawn on it that pointed to the boy’s red nose.
The PTA judges arrived just as the students finished their masterpiece. The judges had already seen beautifully decorated doors covered with intricate glittered snowflakes, curly ribbons and fancy lights. They had seen real Christmas trees, and 3-D dioramas and pseudo fireplaces with stockings hung and fire glowing.
They arrived at the teenager’s classroom to find a boy taped to the door.
The judges looked at each other and giggled a bit. “Do you think he’ll really sing if we press his nose?” one asked out loud. “Only one way to find out.” said a brave one who stepped forward and pressed the red tape.
The teenage boy, voice cracking, burst out in holiday song. The students inside the classroom went uncharacteristically still and silent. Students and teachers from other classrooms quietly poked their heads out of their rooms to hear the singing. The judges dropped their judging clipboards to their sides and said not a word as they listened to the boy sing.
And when the boy was done, he started to speak, rambling just a bit. “We believe that Christmas should be a very personal time of the year. And what better way to represent Christmas and giving and what the whole season means than with some sort of personification of this special time. And we believe that there’s no better way to personify something than with a real person. That is why we have a real person on our door. Because we believe that people need to remember that Christmas and giving and toy drives are really all about people. Real people.“
One of the judges lifted her clipboard and began to write on it. Another judge asked the boy, “How long did it take you to write that speech?”
“Um…I didn’t prepare it ahead of time…I just kind of said what I think.”
And as the judges turned to walk away the boy heard one of them say, “Christmas…about people…how novel.”
Check This Out!
This is the recipe for the cookies I usually make to give to the neighbors for Christmas.
Soft Ginger Cookies
Mix 2 ¼ cups flour, 2 tsp ginger, 1 tsp soda, ¾ tsp cinnamon and ½ tsp cloves in a bowl. In another bowl, beat ¾ cup margarine, butter or shortening for 30 seconds. Gradually add in 1 cup sugar. Add one egg and ¼ cup molasses and beat well. Stir in dry ingredients. Mold into balls and roll them in granulated sugar. Bake on an ungreased cookie sheet in a 350 degree oven for 10 minutes. Let stand 2 minutes.
(As usual...I have a hard time following a recipe exactly. With these cookies, I tend to go a bit heavy on the spices and will often throw in a few dashes of nutmeg or mace as well.)
When the door judging day arrived, the teenager and her classmates pleaded one last time with the teacher. Could they please have some time to decorate their classroom door? The teacher stood firm in his belief that classroom time should be spent on learning. They accused him of being a Grinch and sucking the joy out of their holiday season.
One boy made a final attempt to change the teacher’s mind. “It doesn’t have to be difficult or time consuming," he said. “I mean, heck, we could even tape ME to the door and at least it would be better than having nothing on the door!”
The teacher grinned, just a little bit, and believing it to be impossible said, “Ha….now that I’d like to see!”
With lightening quick speed, before the teacher could stop them, the students rushed into action. Within minutes the boy was taped to the outside of the door. Someone produced a battery powered miniature plastic Christmas tree with lights and shoved it into the boy’s hand. The boy yelled out, “Grab the red tape! Grab the red tape!” Someone covered the boy’s nose with red tape. Next to the boy’s head a sign was taped on the door. The sign said, “press here for song” and had an arrow drawn on it that pointed to the boy’s red nose.
The PTA judges arrived just as the students finished their masterpiece. The judges had already seen beautifully decorated doors covered with intricate glittered snowflakes, curly ribbons and fancy lights. They had seen real Christmas trees, and 3-D dioramas and pseudo fireplaces with stockings hung and fire glowing.
They arrived at the teenager’s classroom to find a boy taped to the door.
The judges looked at each other and giggled a bit. “Do you think he’ll really sing if we press his nose?” one asked out loud. “Only one way to find out.” said a brave one who stepped forward and pressed the red tape.
The teenage boy, voice cracking, burst out in holiday song. The students inside the classroom went uncharacteristically still and silent. Students and teachers from other classrooms quietly poked their heads out of their rooms to hear the singing. The judges dropped their judging clipboards to their sides and said not a word as they listened to the boy sing.
And when the boy was done, he started to speak, rambling just a bit. “We believe that Christmas should be a very personal time of the year. And what better way to represent Christmas and giving and what the whole season means than with some sort of personification of this special time. And we believe that there’s no better way to personify something than with a real person. That is why we have a real person on our door. Because we believe that people need to remember that Christmas and giving and toy drives are really all about people. Real people.“
One of the judges lifted her clipboard and began to write on it. Another judge asked the boy, “How long did it take you to write that speech?”
“Um…I didn’t prepare it ahead of time…I just kind of said what I think.”
And as the judges turned to walk away the boy heard one of them say, “Christmas…about people…how novel.”
Check This Out!
This is the recipe for the cookies I usually make to give to the neighbors for Christmas.
Soft Ginger Cookies
Mix 2 ¼ cups flour, 2 tsp ginger, 1 tsp soda, ¾ tsp cinnamon and ½ tsp cloves in a bowl. In another bowl, beat ¾ cup margarine, butter or shortening for 30 seconds. Gradually add in 1 cup sugar. Add one egg and ¼ cup molasses and beat well. Stir in dry ingredients. Mold into balls and roll them in granulated sugar. Bake on an ungreased cookie sheet in a 350 degree oven for 10 minutes. Let stand 2 minutes.
(As usual...I have a hard time following a recipe exactly. With these cookies, I tend to go a bit heavy on the spices and will often throw in a few dashes of nutmeg or mace as well.)
Friday, December 7, 2007
Gearhead Christmas
'Twas a few weeks before Christmas,
And all through my house,
Not one gift was purchased,
Not even for the spouse.
The stockings were still
In a box in the attic,
In hopes that we might
Soon get ecstatic.
The children saw bright lights
That danced in their heads.
They hoped for a tree
But sadly, instead,
Mama in her bleached sweats
Was flat on the couch.
She had just settled down
And was a bit of a grouch.
And out on the lawn
It was lonely and bare.
No lights and no blowups
Were seen out there.
The moon in the sky
Lit up the whole street.
You could see all the neighbors,
Their decorations complete.
When what to my wondering
Eyes should appear.
But a little white car
With four tires to steer.
With a most handsome driver,
So smart and so slick.
I knew at that moment
I was his special chick.
More rapid than usual
He got out of the car.
He whistled and shouted;
He called from afar.
“Hey, teenager! Hey, boy!
Hey, hot mama spouse!
Hey, troublesome kitties!
Come out of that house!
Look on the porch,
Up against the wall!
There’s a package for me!
Come quick now, y’all.”
As we’ve seen in the past
When one knows a car guy,
When they meet with an obstacle,
They search and then buy.
He bought stuff online,
A lot more than I knew:
A box full of car toys
And a tool or two, too.
And then, in a twinkling,
I heard by the door,
Him grabbing the box.
He couldn’t wait anymore.
In the house burst the husband,
A huge grin on his face.
He gave me the quickest
Spousal embrace.
He was dressed all in black
In denim and fleece.
His clothes were all tarnished
With ketchup and grease.
The box of car toys
He had flung open wide.
When he pulled out the metal
His heart filled with pride.
His eyes how they twinkled!
His dimples how merry!
He held out the car part
With arms that were hairy.
His mouth was now speaking
And moving so fast.
He mumbled “THE GARAGE!”
And then he ran past.
With a thump of the door
He went to the Camaro.
He laid under that car
In a spot that was narrow.
He had a red face
As he lay on his belly.
He soon got all sweaty
And became very smelly.
Then the hubby jumped up
and went to the garage shelf.
And I laughed when I saw him,
In spite of myself.
Some dirt in his eye
And some grease on his head,
Soon gave me to know
I’d have laundry ahead.
He spoke many words
And continued to work.
He filled all the fluids
And turned bolts with a jerk.
I could see he was happy
With what he had done.
He was already having
His Christmas fun.
He didn’t need lights
Or blow up reindeer.
Car parts gave him
Much holiday cheer.
And I heard him exclaim
As he washed up his hands
“I’m going online!
I’ve got so many plans!”
Check This Out!
We here at Slightly Exaggerated have been obsessed with the Filipino band, The Zoo Band. In particular, we have been drooling over the lead singer Arnel Pineda and his unparalled talent. Pineda is so talented that Neil Schon of Journey fame has picked Pineda to be the new lead singer of Journey. Check out The Zoo Band and Pineda on You Tube. Type in “The Zoo Journey” to get your viewing started. Don’t forget to also check out Pineda’s version of the Heart song, Alone.
And all through my house,
Not one gift was purchased,
Not even for the spouse.
The stockings were still
In a box in the attic,
In hopes that we might
Soon get ecstatic.
The children saw bright lights
That danced in their heads.
They hoped for a tree
But sadly, instead,
Mama in her bleached sweats
Was flat on the couch.
She had just settled down
And was a bit of a grouch.
And out on the lawn
It was lonely and bare.
No lights and no blowups
Were seen out there.
The moon in the sky
Lit up the whole street.
You could see all the neighbors,
Their decorations complete.
When what to my wondering
Eyes should appear.
But a little white car
With four tires to steer.
With a most handsome driver,
So smart and so slick.
I knew at that moment
I was his special chick.
More rapid than usual
He got out of the car.
He whistled and shouted;
He called from afar.
“Hey, teenager! Hey, boy!
Hey, hot mama spouse!
Hey, troublesome kitties!
Come out of that house!
Look on the porch,
Up against the wall!
There’s a package for me!
Come quick now, y’all.”
As we’ve seen in the past
When one knows a car guy,
When they meet with an obstacle,
They search and then buy.
He bought stuff online,
A lot more than I knew:
A box full of car toys
And a tool or two, too.
And then, in a twinkling,
I heard by the door,
Him grabbing the box.
He couldn’t wait anymore.
In the house burst the husband,
A huge grin on his face.
He gave me the quickest
Spousal embrace.
He was dressed all in black
In denim and fleece.
His clothes were all tarnished
With ketchup and grease.
The box of car toys
He had flung open wide.
When he pulled out the metal
His heart filled with pride.
His eyes how they twinkled!
His dimples how merry!
He held out the car part
With arms that were hairy.
His mouth was now speaking
And moving so fast.
He mumbled “THE GARAGE!”
And then he ran past.
With a thump of the door
He went to the Camaro.
He laid under that car
In a spot that was narrow.
He had a red face
As he lay on his belly.
He soon got all sweaty
And became very smelly.
Then the hubby jumped up
and went to the garage shelf.
And I laughed when I saw him,
In spite of myself.
Some dirt in his eye
And some grease on his head,
Soon gave me to know
I’d have laundry ahead.
He spoke many words
And continued to work.
He filled all the fluids
And turned bolts with a jerk.
I could see he was happy
With what he had done.
He was already having
His Christmas fun.
He didn’t need lights
Or blow up reindeer.
Car parts gave him
Much holiday cheer.
And I heard him exclaim
As he washed up his hands
“I’m going online!
I’ve got so many plans!”
Check This Out!
We here at Slightly Exaggerated have been obsessed with the Filipino band, The Zoo Band. In particular, we have been drooling over the lead singer Arnel Pineda and his unparalled talent. Pineda is so talented that Neil Schon of Journey fame has picked Pineda to be the new lead singer of Journey. Check out The Zoo Band and Pineda on You Tube. Type in “The Zoo Journey” to get your viewing started. Don’t forget to also check out Pineda’s version of the Heart song, Alone.
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