Monday, May 4, 2009

How to Clear a Stadium In 10 Easy Steps

1. Pull the boy out of school early to attend the teenager’s first track meet of the season by pretending he has an “appointment”.

2. Persuade the boy that sitting still for 2 ½ hours really will be fun by bribing him with saturated fat and high fructose corn syrup.

3. Drive just a bit over the speed limit, hit only green lights and get lucky finding a close parking spot because after all, the teenager is running the first event of the meet and you are not allowed to be late.

4. Haul the video camera, digital camera, hand held games, books, sunscreen, water, blanket, extra coat, hat, sunglasses, the paper with the order of events on it, and all of the boy’s bribery food from the parking lot to stadium.

5. Find a seat in the crowded stadium near the largest group of people you can find.

6. Cheer on the speedy teenager in an appropriate parental manner that will not embarrass her in any way.

7. Be somewhat inattentive as the boy begins a coughing and sneezing fit like none seen or heard before.

8. Appear shocked as you realize that the boy is only managing to cover his bodily emanations about 52% of the time.

9. Look empathetically apologetic toward the people as you watch them quickly gather their children and their cameras and their own bribery food and scurry to the other side of the stadium, glaring at you in harsh judgment the entire time.

10. To ensure that there are no stragglers left sitting around you, encourage the boy to replace the word, “achew!” with the words, “swine flu” when he sneezes.

Check This Out!

This week at the Slightly Exaggerated home office, we have been smelling the lilac bush, eating a lot of sun dried tomatoes and searching for 3/8 OD aluminum tubing. The lilac bush smells great. The tomatoes taste great. And the tubing connects the old AC condenser to the transmission cooler lines that go to the radiator so that the AC condenser can now magically become a heavy duty transmission cooler instead of the radiator so that the transmission will not overheat because of the super loose stall converter. The Slightly Exaggerated home office highly recommends that you try to find your own lilac bush and your own jar of sun dried tomatoes. Slightly Exaggerated can not claim any responsibility for injuries sustained if you decide to attempt your own tubing project.


Anonymous said...

When the subject came up this weekend mine said "swine flu? what's that?" the teenager said: "you're kidding me, right?!"

Anonymous said...

Nothing like a little overreacting. I'm surprised they didn't cancel the meet...too many people breathing near each other!

calimom said...

I will use these tips anytime I come across people I don't want to be around. Except, I will probably drive faster than you would to get to the stadium.