Tuesday, November 6, 2007

The Kitty Contract, Part 2--The Counter Offer

Note: The kitties have responded directly to a previous blog, The Kitty Contract, from Thursday, October 4, 2007. It might prove beneficial to reread that one before reading this current one.--M

Dear Owner:
We saw the blog you wrote
And we really don’t agree.
In fact we’re quite offended
At your errant public decree.
We’re the laughing stock of the kitty world
And it hasn’t been any fun.
Our friends all think that we are guilty
Of things you said we’ve done.
Let us say, right from the start
That you’re getting on our nerves.
The squirt bottle you use is more abuse
Than any cat deserves.
We’ve been loyal, cuddly, cute and good
And we have things to say!
Locking us up, like you do,
Is definitely not the right way.

You mentioned you thought that maybe you hadn’t
Explained the rules to us.
We are here to tell you that you sure are making
Much too big a fuss.
Why can’t we all just get along
And be friends and sleep in peace?
We think you should chill and all this tension
Should just completely cease.
You are mistaken about our motives
And the things you say we do wrong.
For all we want is for you to love us
And to feel like we belong.

We wake you up in the middle of the night
Because we miss you so.
We’re lonely without you and sometimes we run fast
When we really mean to go slow.
We crawl under the covers because we are scared
Of the dark and creaky house.
We are very sorry if we have caused problems
Between you and your hunky spouse.
As far as your concern for our kitty squabbles
That keep you up in the night,
We will try to keep quiet as we attempt
To set our kitty disputes to the right.

You should know that a cat is meant to be fat
And we would like a bit more food.
That is why we gulp and steal from each other
Even though we know it’s rude.
And if you would give us the food that we like
To make us good and happy and fat
Then we wouldn’t steal the food from your plate
And endure the insult, “BAD CAT!”
And as for the salmon and chicken you eat
That is just not playing fair.
If you eat those things we will come after you
And take them from you, WE SWEAR.

Just for the record, we are not dumb dogs;
And we are not your maid.
If you’d like us to clean, then leave some fish “crumbs”
For that we might give some aid.
Though, only a dog would lick the floor clean
And waste good slumber time.
In fact, most dogs are so very stupid
It really must be a crime.

We enjoy your appliances, for they are cozy
And curious and different and nice.
We shamelessly must admit however,
For the hot stove we have paid a high price.
Likewise, the blender, the toaster, the crock pot
Are mostly very scary.
We can assure you that in the very near future
We will, of course, be wary.
And just so you know and understand,
The mixing bowls are comfy and nice.
They hug our curves and surround our fur,
They are cozy and definitely suffice.
We admit we have gotten into the drawers
And have slept with a very sharp knife.
But we also must say it has been such a thrill
And has not caused any strife.

Now onto that awful thing you keep on calling
A kitty “scratching post”.
We have seen better and think you should spend more
For a tower, which is what we want most.
The stick you have covered in cheap beige rug
Should be outlawed and thrown away.
We’re three cats with claws with one useless post
Much to our shocked dismay.
And until the awful post is replaced,
We hope that you already know
That the couch and the screen door and maybe the curtains
Are where our claws will likely go.

You seem to have many, many complaints
About the things that we find fun.
You seem to imply that we often stop you
From quickly getting things done.
We impatiently implore you to look and see it
From our feline point of view.
When we play with all of your really cool things
It gives us something constructive to do.
And most of the time when we play with your things
You’re sitting right there with us.
"It’s quality time!" That’s what we say.
So stop making a ridiculous fuss.
The next time we chew on the computer antenna
Or chase the laces on your dirty old shoes.
Be grateful that we aren’t clawing the couch
Because in that game you will certainly lose.

Now we come to the toilet part of this contract
And your request most certainly stinks.
With no pun intended we really must say
It is the toilet that has the best drinks.
And when you flush it and it swirls around
Well, we think it’s the best thing ever.
So we will continue our toilet obsession
Abandon it? We will never!

We also are considering a kitty lawsuit
About the paint that did cover our feet.
We licked the paint and it did not taste good
It was not fitting for kitties to eat.
So in short, we don’t care if your dresser got dirty
Or if the nightstand was covered in paint.
We feel lucky to be here alive today
And make known our paint complaint.

We also have another big problem
With the litter boxes we use.
You are pathetically slow at cleaning them
No matter which one we choose.
They both are quite nasty and full of our pee
And with what you would call “number 2”.
Until they are clean then we will go where we like
And we hope you soon catch a clue.

We want you to know that we really do think
That someday you’ll learn what we need.
With a little training from us and a little more time
We are confident that you will succeed.
In fact, you already do a few things
That we really like quite a lot.
We really like watching the birds in the trees
And we like the fireplace when it gets hot.
We love all of your blankets and pillows and towels
And we love sleeping on them all day.
When the kids aren’t too careful and don’t shut the door
We love sneaking outside to play.

So we hope you have learned some things from reading
The demands we have written to you.
And we sure hope you fix them all right away.
Cuz you never know what we might do……

Much furry love, The Kitties

Check This Out!

In an effort to stick with our manipulative kitty theme today, go to You Tube and type in “Kitty Wake Up Call”. Click on the second or third one down—it’s the one that looks like a drawn cartoon.

Or, copy and paste this link.

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