Monday, October 20, 2008

Fat Pants

The first line of this riddle
Begins in the middle
When you find you must fiddle
With the waistband of your pants.

Something isn’t quite right.
The waistband is too tight.
You must pull, stretch and fight
Just to get them on.

Well I say by golly and by gosh!
They have gone and shrunk in the wash!
And seriously, this is no time to josh
When you find your pants too tight.

Of course, it never is your fault.
Perhaps you’ve eaten too much salt.
Surely it can’t be that hard to halt
The shrinking of your pants.

Or perhaps it’s a tiny bit of bloat.
So you stop and make a mental note
To go and find your long black coat
That will hide your tightening pants.

And then one day at the table
Your waistband button is unstable
And you are finally no longer able
To control your muffin top.

You unbutton the button for much relief.
But your newfound joy is oh so brief.
You look down at your gut in dazed disbelief
And stare at the fat hanging out.

Holy cow! You’re in shock.
You think this is a crock.
So you promise yourself that you will walk
A couple of miles tomorrow.

Despite some walking,
You still find it shocking.
So then you start talking
To all of the friends that you have.

They all give you tips.
“Just lay off the chips
And you’ll find that your hips
Will soon fit back in your pants.”

“Don’t go to the bar.”
“Don’t take your car.”
“Try walking real far
And that should do the trick.”

Despite your best efforts your pants do stay shrunk.
And your mood stays in a real awful funk.
And then you find that the junk in your trunk
Starts growing a bit larger too.

Then one friend who’s a dope,
Goes and gives you no hope,
And tells you to just cope
With the signs of menopause.

Oh, that’s NOT what you need!
You refuse to concede!
Your gut WILL recede
And someday fit back in your pants!

So time passes by
And you ask yourself, “Why?”
Heck, you might even cry
A few tears for your chunky self.

But despite such dear friends
And all things you intend
You can no longer pretend
To fit into the pants you have.

So with your head held down low
And your weight at a plateau
You reluctantly go
To shop for a pair of fat pants.

You head into the store.
You walk past and ignore
The cute clothes you adore
And you look for the dumpy section.

After 2 hours of pain
You sit down and complain
About how this is insane
And you aren’t having any fun.

Nothing fits right.
You’re too fat for your height.
So you decide you just might
Buy some nice sweatpants instead.

They always will fit.
And you must admit,
That then you could quit
This shopping trip you hate.

Elastic waists here we come!
And although you’re a bit glum
You are glad you’ve succumbed
To wearing clothes that allow you to breathe!

After all it won’t really be for that long.
You are determined and know that you will be strong.
And soon you’ll be wearing a little black thong
Underneath your skinny pants!

But six months later you’re still in your sweats.
You decide this must be as bad as it gets.
You look back and have so many regrets
About your journey to bigger pants.

You look in the mirror and search for the girl,
The one who was proud, the one that wore pearls,
The one who would smile and give a big twirl
When she looks at herself in the mirror.

And then you see her, just a flicker at first.
And you know that you have come through the worst.
Your misguided bubble of denial has burst.
You accept that you need some fat pants.

You realize that your worst fear is true.
You’ll get those fat pants. It’s what you must do.
If not, you will make your naked debut
Because you’ll have no pants that fit.

You head back to the store with a different plan.
You will do your best and do all that you can
To find some fat pants that will make your man
Take a second long look at you.

And finally you find them-the pair that’s for you.
They’re definitely bigger than what you’re used to.
But in a funny way you feel all anew
And are wanting to flaunt your stuff.

You look in the mirror and look at the girl,
The one who is proud, the one that wears pearls,
The girl gives a smile and gives a big twirl
When she looks at herself in the mirror.

You’re wearing fat pants and they look ok.
They’re a step or two up from those sweats that were grey.
But you’re just going to buy the one pair today
Because that’s all you’re going to need.

After all it won’t really be for that long.
You are determined and know that you will be strong.
And soon you will be wearing a little black thong
Underneath your skinny pants!

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Trader Joe's Carne Asada. Go get some.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Have you read my mind? funny as that topic can be....