Monday, November 17, 2008

Save the Children

There's a daycare and preschool by my house. In front of the daycare, up against the road, is a fenced in retention pond. A week ago they began trapping the children inside the fence and not letting them out. None of them have proper coats on or any food at all. After a few days, some of them, exhausted, starving and dehydrated fell over on the ground. They haven't gotten up since. I fear they are dead.

Ok so maybe those kids aren't real. And maybe they fell over because of the windstorm. I just about drove off the road, however, the first time I saw them forlornly peering out through the chain link. It seemed so real. For some reason those caged "children" bother me a bit. I'm not sure why, but it just seems a little bit wrong.

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If you love a good silly cat video then try this one.

If you are think of yourself as young, open minded about things like house arrest and gun charges, can tolerate a little rap, love a decent message, can't get enough Rihanna and miss the fabulous Numa Numa guy then check out this preview for Live Your Life by T.I.. Look for the full video at Yahoo music, iTunes or many other places.

And if you just miss the Numa Numa guy then go ahead and relive the fun by clicking here.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Starving in the Suburbs

We are starving in the suburbs. We beg of you, someone please help us. Forget the economy. Forget the bailout. Forget the stock market, the layoffs and the presidential election. Out here in the suburbs, we have more important issues. We have nothing to eat.

Our situation became unmanageable recently when we learned that microwaving frozen meals could make us very sick. Apparently microwaves heat food unevenly leaving some areas of the meal undercooked, thereby raising the risk of salmonella poisoning. We are now beside ourselves. The microwave meal was the last safe hope for sustenance that we had in suburbia.

Our crisis began a few years ago when we were notified that the standard suburban evening barbecue had some serious consequences. The barbecue smoke and the charring we so loved on our steaks and chicken and burgers contained harmful, cancer causing polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons and hetero cyclic amines-aka-bad stuff. Our carefree nightly barbecues were now a thing of the past.

Soon it began to be pounded into our brains that the beloved convenience of the fast food drive- thru wasn’t the healthiest way to feed our children. There were accusations thrown around of too much fat, too much salt, too many calories, very few nutrients and portion sizes three times the size of those our drive-thru ancestors enjoyed.

Our grocery stores came under attack next. The bakery items were the first casualty. Bagels the size of life preservers were frowned upon. Doughnuts, cakes and pies made primarily with white sugar and white flour were said to cause a dreadful dip in blood sugar levels. And of course, the whole department was littered with evidence of heinous trans fat usage.

Canned food, another of our great conveniences at the grocery store, was the next to go down. The resin lining in many cans contains bisphenal-A (BPA) which can leach into the food in the can. Now most of us have no clue what this is but when we heard that the boy mice exposed to BPA were growing breasts we became quite frightened.
In fact, many of our grocery items have recently been contaminated by salmonella and E.coli. Ground beef, frozen pot pies and frozen pizza have been contaminated as well as cantaloupe, spinach, sprouts, dry cereal and snack foods. Even our beloved pets have recently had their food recalled.

We’ve been so concerned for our suburban food supply that we’ve resorted to buying locally grown food and in some rare instances, growing our own. Quite honestly however, the farmer’s markets often take place on the same day as our children’s soccer and football games. This is not convenient for us. We’ve also found that growing our own food is much more time consuming and difficult than we ever imagined.

We are so desperate for food that we even briefly considered cooking real meals for ourselves in our own ovens. We spend so much time in our vehicles commuting and transporting our children, however, that we have found we aren’t home long enough to make this option work. And frankly, even if we did actually cook something in our own ovens, we would be unable to reheat the leftovers. Unbeknownst to us, the plastic containers we use for this have been leaching chemicals into our food for years.

Sadly, our last hope for survival is takeout and delivery food, which in suburbia, leave much to be desired. Our only real take out option is the teriyaki place down the road. Unfortunately, with the recent rice shortages their prices have skyrocketed. We have also heard that the polystyrene containers they serve their food in are not safe and may “interfere with our normal functions”. This concerns us greatly. Our only delivery option is pizza. We must say that the new delivery fuel surcharge that has been added to our bill is most disappointing. And quite honestly, it is almost impossible to order a healthy pizza.

We are envious of our friends who live in the city and the numerous and varied takeout and delivery options they have. We are also envious of our friends who live in rural areas and seem to have more time to cook their own meals. Out here in the suburbs though, we are in sad shape. We have run out of healthy, fast and safe ways to feed our families. And since our doctors have told us that we should limit ourselves to one glass of wine a day, we can’t even properly comfort ourselves during this difficult time. You can see how dire our situation is. We beg of you to help us. We have nothing to eat.

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I recommend that you try Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer. It's "The World's Best Lip Balm in Sheer Luminescent Color". And, it smells good too. The boy has become addicted to creamed chipped beef. He reports that the Stouffer's frozen version tastes even better than homemade. The teenager has been enjoying oatmeal with maple syrup and brown sugar for breakfast every morning and thinks that everyone should do the same. And the husband just wants you to see some pictures of his new engine.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

'Twas the Day After the Election

‘Twas the day after the election
And all through the states
The people awoke
And pondered their fate.

Some people thanked Jesus
And offered a prayer.
Some people wallowed
In hungover despair.

It was finally over.
Campaigning was done.
A new time in America
Had just begun.

The TV was full
Of political chatter.
They spoke of how voting
Records were shattered.

The people were inspired.
They wept with joy.
Some preached, “It is time!”
Some were annoyed.

Analysts analyzed,
And the votes were reviewed.
Some thought things were great.
Some thought we were screwed.

And while the smart people talked
About transitions and such.
Most people didn’t care
About it that much.

As the pundits dissected
And explained the mysterious.
The people were tired
Of being so serious.

So they switched the channel
And looked for something more steamy.
Enough of the suits!
Bring on Dr. McDreamy!

TV ads for Boniva,
Mountain Dew and Aleve
Were a such a relief from
“Approved” ones that deceived.

The amount of junk mail
Was dramatically slashed.
They only found bills
That demanded their cash.

Thanksgiving was coming
And they must plan ahead.
Someone brings the pie
And someone bakes the bread.

And away to their yards
They flew like a flash.
Some tore out their yard signs
Half were hucked in the trash.

They needed the lawn space
At this time of year
For the huge blow up sleigh
And eight plastic reindeer.

They rushed off to soccer.
They rushed off to ballet.
They rushed through the drive through
At the end of each day.

They didn’t talk
About votes anymore.
They went back to talking
About the crazies next door.

And while the people were glad
To finally move on,
They did have one worry
That still wasn’t gone.

“We’ve lost some money
And we are so shocked!
Could you please fix it soon?”
They asked of Barack.

“Obama we beg you!
Please help us all.
Because we’d really like
To get back to the mall.”

“We haven’t been shopping
In a very long time.
Instead we’ve been reading
Weird poems that rhyme.”

“So if you could actually
Make the economy work
The Republicans will be nice
And not call you a jerk!”

“So Mr. Obama,
We know you’re our man!
Fill our wallets with money!
Yes you can!”

Then the Democrats exclaimed
To the Republicans on the right,
"Don’t worry so much.
We don’t have to fight."

"Things will be great.
This we do know.
In fact we’re quite sure.
...Oprah said so."

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The cheese of the month at Slightly Exaggerated is cotija. Sprinkle crumbled cotija and some black beans on a flour tortilla. Nuke until the cheese is melted. Spoon a ton of really fresh pico de gallo on top. Fold it like a taco and enjoy.

Songs of the week have been Hank Williams', Hey Good Lookin' ( ), The Last Kiss from Pearl Jam(, and Love Ain't No Stranger by Whitesnake (

The Post Election Headache

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Check out my latest work, The Post Election Headache at