We are starving in the suburbs. We beg of you, someone please help us. Forget the economy. Forget the bailout. Forget the stock market, the layoffs and the presidential election. Out here in the suburbs, we have more important issues. We have nothing to eat.
Our situation became unmanageable recently when we learned that microwaving frozen meals could make us very sick. Apparently microwaves heat food unevenly leaving some areas of the meal undercooked, thereby raising the risk of salmonella poisoning. We are now beside ourselves. The microwave meal was the last safe hope for sustenance that we had in suburbia.
Our crisis began a few years ago when we were notified that the standard suburban evening barbecue had some serious consequences. The barbecue smoke and the charring we so loved on our steaks and chicken and burgers contained harmful, cancer causing polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons and hetero cyclic amines-aka-bad stuff. Our carefree nightly barbecues were now a thing of the past.
Soon it began to be pounded into our brains that the beloved convenience of the fast food drive- thru wasn’t the healthiest way to feed our children. There were accusations thrown around of too much fat, too much salt, too many calories, very few nutrients and portion sizes three times the size of those our drive-thru ancestors enjoyed.
Our grocery stores came under attack next. The bakery items were the first casualty. Bagels the size of life preservers were frowned upon. Doughnuts, cakes and pies made primarily with white sugar and white flour were said to cause a dreadful dip in blood sugar levels. And of course, the whole department was littered with evidence of heinous trans fat usage.
Canned food, another of our great conveniences at the grocery store, was the next to go down. The resin lining in many cans contains bisphenal-A (BPA) which can leach into the food in the can. Now most of us have no clue what this is but when we heard that the boy mice exposed to BPA were growing breasts we became quite frightened.
In fact, many of our grocery items have recently been contaminated by salmonella and E.coli. Ground beef, frozen pot pies and frozen pizza have been contaminated as well as cantaloupe, spinach, sprouts, dry cereal and snack foods. Even our beloved pets have recently had their food recalled.
We’ve been so concerned for our suburban food supply that we’ve resorted to buying locally grown food and in some rare instances, growing our own. Quite honestly however, the farmer’s markets often take place on the same day as our children’s soccer and football games. This is not convenient for us. We’ve also found that growing our own food is much more time consuming and difficult than we ever imagined.
We are so desperate for food that we even briefly considered cooking real meals for ourselves in our own ovens. We spend so much time in our vehicles commuting and transporting our children, however, that we have found we aren’t home long enough to make this option work. And frankly, even if we did actually cook something in our own ovens, we would be unable to reheat the leftovers. Unbeknownst to us, the plastic containers we use for this have been leaching chemicals into our food for years.
Sadly, our last hope for survival is takeout and delivery food, which in suburbia, leave much to be desired. Our only real take out option is the teriyaki place down the road. Unfortunately, with the recent rice shortages their prices have skyrocketed. We have also heard that the polystyrene containers they serve their food in are not safe and may “interfere with our normal functions”. This concerns us greatly. Our only delivery option is pizza. We must say that the new delivery fuel surcharge that has been added to our bill is most disappointing. And quite honestly, it is almost impossible to order a healthy pizza.
We are envious of our friends who live in the city and the numerous and varied takeout and delivery options they have. We are also envious of our friends who live in rural areas and seem to have more time to cook their own meals. Out here in the suburbs though, we are in sad shape. We have run out of healthy, fast and safe ways to feed our families. And since our doctors have told us that we should limit ourselves to one glass of wine a day, we can’t even properly comfort ourselves during this difficult time. You can see how dire our situation is. We beg of you to help us. We have nothing to eat.
Check This Out!
I recommend that you try Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer. It's "The World's Best Lip Balm in Sheer Luminescent Color". And, it smells good too. The boy has become addicted to creamed chipped beef. He reports that the Stouffer's frozen version tastes even better than homemade. The teenager has been enjoying oatmeal with maple syrup and brown sugar for breakfast every morning and thinks that everyone should do the same. And the husband just wants you to see some pictures of his new engine.