Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I Don't Mean to Brag

I don’t mean to brag. But I know a few things about cars. I know what it means to change jets and not be anywhere near an airport. I know that butterflies have nothing to do with nature. I know that the often overlooked low lift numbers can be just as important as the peak flow numbers. I know that a high speed retard is a good thing and not an awful insult. I know that the Rhino Charge Enhancer is not a late night infomercial for men. I don’t mean to brag. But I know these things.

I know that alcohol injection and beer chugging are not the same thing. I know that I can have 3 custom tune files stored and still not have any music to listen to. I know that getting supercharged doesn’t involve drinking an ounce of coffee. I know that a double pumper doesn’t have anything to do with lactating breasts. I know that Cleveland is not a city, Magnum is not a gun and Wedge is not a golf club. I don’t mean to brag. But I know these things.

The husband knows a few things about cars too. While I do occasionally have to instruct him on how to drive them in a safe and law abiding manner, most often he can fix them without consulting the encyclopedia of gearhead wife wisdom. There is however, one area of the automotive world in which the husband still has a lot to learn. The husband has yet to learn the proper time to fill up the gas tank.

I don’t mean to brag. But I know that the best time to fill up a gas tank is before it gets below the red E. The husband naively disagrees. He has mathematical formulas to back up his position. He has years of commuting experience that he has submitted as evidence. He has an engineering degree that testifies to his qualifications.

I have common sense.

When we discuss how wrong the husband is about this he says things like, “Blah, blah, blah….fuel tank capacity….blah, blah, blah….EPA fuel mileage ratings….and blah, blah, blah…my recent percentage of fuel efficient highway driving…………blah.

I say things like, “Look….it’s on empty!”

And so, as I got in the husband’s car the other day I was most distressed to find that he has yet to realize the superiority of my knowledge in this gas getting area. As I turned the key, I looked down to find the little lever below the line. He was below empty. He should have filled up by now. I stewed the entire drive to the grocery store. I wondered if he’d ever learn. I stewed the entire time in the store. I decided that I was not going to fill his tank for him. I would let him suffer the natural consequences of not listening to me. I stewed the entire drive home from the store. I formulated my impending verbal attack on him trying to disguise it as loving, constructive, non judgmental criticism.

As I pulled into the driveway I looked down at the gauge again. I couldn’t believe what I saw. Suddenly, the husband’s car had somewhere between a third and a half tank of gas. I was stunned. I had no explanation. I called the husband out to his car.

“How do you explain this?” I demanded. “You were completely out of gas and now there is over a third of a tank!”

“The engine warmed up.” he stated calmly.

“What? That makes no sense.” I said a little too arrogantly. “ You don’t create more gas when the engine warms up.”

He looked at me with part amusement, part exasperation and part sympathy for my obvious ignorance. He pointed to the gauge. “No, it is not possible to create more gas, Melissa, but when you drive the car the engine does get warmer. And that’s exactly what this temperature gauge that you’re looking at is telling you. That’s why the little red line went up. The engine got warmer.”


Now I don’t mean to defend myself, but in my car the gauges ARE reversed.

It’s a simple mistake, really.

I’m sure it happens to people all of the time.

In fact, I think it really is probably a design flaw with the car.

I mean, really, I don’t mean to brag. But I do know a few things about cars.

Check This Out!

Now I don't mean to brag, but this bean dish is really, really good. It's my grandmother, Nanny's, recipe. My dad has perfected it with a few changes of his own. Now don't tell me how you don't like beans. They are really good for you. At the very least make this for your next pot luck and you'll see that I know a few things about beans.

Bean Dish

Brown 1/2 to 1 lb of ground beef, 3/4 lb of bacon cut into small pieces and at least 1 cup of chopped onions in a skillet. Drain grease. Put into a crock pot. Add 2 or 3 16 oz cans pork and beans. Drain 1 16 oz can of garbanzo beans, 1 16 oz can of kidney beans and 1 16 oz can of butter beans and add to crock pot. (Or use your own favorite combination of beans. I tend to use 2 pork and beans and double up on some other bean.) Add 1 16 oz can of diced tomatoes, 1 cup of ketchup, 1/4 cup of brown sugar, 3 TBL of white vinegar and 1/2 TBL of liquid smoke if you have it. Add 1 tsp of salt and some pepper. Stir it all up, cover and cook on low for many, many hours. Perhaps 6. It freezes well if you possibly have any left over.


Holly said...

I just wanted to be first... I have nothing to say except the two of you are so funny! :)

Anonymous said...

Some people get divorced over petty stuff like this. You laugh. Good lesson.

Anonymous said...

Hah this was a good one! And I totally agree with you, clearly a design flaw.

Anonymous said...

Just remember...the gas pedal is the one on the right.

Tinamarie said...

Even before I owned the new fandangled car that tells you when you are low in fuel, even my silly self knows you get gas before it hits E! Silly boys!

Anonymous said...

I laughed. I cried. I knew exactly what you were talking about. It must be a game with the men-just like that Seinfeld episode where Kramer tried to go really far on a tank of gas.

JUST FILL UP AT 1/4 tank!! Please!