Monday, June 11, 2007

Please Pass the Chip

The official letter warned me of the suspicious, unauthorized activity on my account. Incorrect answers had been entered multiple times in response to the passwords and security questions for my account. To ensure the safety of my account and personal identity, my account was now suspended indefinitely until I reset my passwords and security questions. If I had any idea who could have attempted to access my account I should contact client services immediately.

I had a pretty good idea who was trying, unsuccessfully, to gain access to my account. IT WAS ME!

I’ve reached password saturation. I can’t do it anymore. I have so many passwords, log ins, identifications, phrases, special numbers, jumbled words and secret codes to remember that I just can’t keep them straight. I’ve got more grocery store cards, preferred shopper cards, and club member punch cards than my wallet can hold. I’ve had to type in my mother’s maiden name and the name of my first pet so many times I’ve started mixing the two up.

My entire life is tied up in a chaotic hodgepodge of numbers and letters and barcodes and secret questions. When I forget a password or don’t have the appropriate store card with me, my life comes to a complete standstill. I can’t get any financial information. I don’t know how much money I have in the bank. I don’t know how the retirement or college investments are doing. I can’t get in the gym door. I have to pay more money for my groceries. I can’t read anything more than the headlines at the online version of my local newspaper. I don’t have access to my children’s grades. I’m unable to find out if I have any money left in the school hot lunch account. I can’t put a book on hold at the library. I can’t download any music. I can’t buy anything online using PayPal. I don’t even get my 10th pizza free without my special pizza club member card.

I’m ready for a new option to all this madness. I’m ready for a computer chip. I want it implanted in my wrist. This chip would contain all of the pertinent and useful information about me, but especially all of my passwords and barcodes and account numbers. I don’t even care about my privacy anymore. Let the government track my every movement. Let the satellites take photos of me. Let the computers analyze my life’s details and assess my risk of being a terrorist. It will all be worth it if I don’t have to remember another password or carry any more cards.

From now on, every where I go and every thing I do will be taken care of with one wave of my wrist. I’ll log on to my computer in the morning by waving my wrist in front of my chip reader. It will immediately turn on and bring up my email accounts and all of my favorite websites. Every time I want to check a bank or a mutual fund balance I’d just wave my wrist again and access will be granted. I’d just walk through the gym door and my chip would be detected automatically. I’d pay for my groceries and receive all of the special club member discounts all in one swipe of my arm. I’d be able to download music, check out at the library and pay for my son’s hot lunch at school with one swipe. When I swiped my hand at the pizza place they would know automatically that my pizza was free this time.

My chip could be useful in other areas as well. When I took a shower I’d wave my wrist on the bathroom reader and the water would turn on to my preferred temperature. My chip would come in handy at toll booths and ticket booths. One swipe and I’m paid. At the doctor’s office I wouldn’t have to fill out any more paperwork. One swipe and they’d even know how much I weighed that day. My car would unlock and start with a quick swipe. Heck, bad drivers could even get tickets if their chip runs a red light. The chips of robbers would automatically scan as they ran out of the door with their loot. The chip could even start beeping and flashing if anyone ever tried to reprogram it or steal it.

I’m beginning to think the tradeoffs inherent with having a chip implanted in my wrist just might be worth it. I’d never again receive a threatening letter from my mutual fund company. I’d never again have access denied. And I’d always get my free pizza. Until then I will continue to live with my frustration in trying to remember my many, many passwords. Now let’s hope I can remember the username and password I need to get this blog posted.

Check This Out!
Check your local PBS listings for Elvis Lives: The 25th Anniversary Concert. Through the wonders of technology, Elvis “reunites” with his band in this 2002 Memphis concert that marked the 25th anniversary of his passing. Don’t miss his powerful version of How Great Thou Art.


Anonymous said...

I swear that you are becoming the voice of all of us ladies out there trying to exist in today's world! Love your blog!

Anonymous said...

I rather not do that.

Anonymous said...

Yup, the Bible talks about it. It's called the mark of the Beast(666). Those who do not have it, will not be able to buy, sell, or trade. Those who refuse to have a chip implanted in their wirst will be killed(christians). Your time is coming, it WILL happen. It WILL be a Holocaust. Seems like a big price to pay for a free pizza.